Bunny Rogers
Notes on Mourning
I’m very protective over depression
it’s essential to understanding me as a person and my
art
seeing everything thru a sad lense
grey
thats when things are at their most real/their most
beautiful
mourning
mourning as life
life as mourning
chronic mourning
mourner
when the mourning period is over you come to term with loss
never coming to term with loss
mourning is a part of life
and people dont actually stop missing things
or stop hurting from their loss
they decide when is a healthy stopping point
when is a point they need to “move forward”, “move on”
you know, i’m not waiting to accept anything
to accept loss
im making work that moves through my mourning
but i dont think im looking for art as a means to cope
with or accept loss
i am a mourner
i will always be mourning something
awareness of loss of things falling away as we get
older all things
things coming in but also things leaving us
things taken from us, almost like a disassembling
process
recognition of the loss in life as mourning
awareness of loss and burden of carrying that
awareness as mourning
unneccessary to accept loss to move forward
some people may think they need to “accept” loss to
keep on living
but thats not true they just have a different way they
want to live
a different type of person they want to be
maybe it goes against their lifeview
the more loss there is
the more loss youve had
the more you reveal yourself
your tru person
the more you lose
you know so it can be seen that making yourself hurt
by refusing to “move forward” after loss
by dwelling on loss
feeling as much pain as the loss allows or needs and
then some — people see this as harmful
it moves into the territory of burden
its a weight on your life, it obscures your vision, your
thinking, your everything
the burden of sadness
but sadness is a reality and if not for everyone to see
it this way, well it’s at least my reality and it always
has been
and what may have started as self inflicted feelings or
masochistic, self-indulgent tendencies
i cant even recognize it as such anymore
as anything negative or bad for me
its been so long
its just a part of how i see and feel things
but i dont really feel burdened
there’s liberation in loss
the most liberated have had the most loss potentially
i am a functional person
my mourning is active
i move through it and with it
and theres pride in the title [of mourner], as with any
title, any assigned role
i wear burden, i flaunt depression
probably as a means to psychologically separate
myself from other people
i grew up thinking youre supposed to be happy you
aim for happiness [as a constant]
but “happiness” / lightness [free from the burden of
mourning] —> anti-critical oblivion —> ignorance
this is not for me, i cant take life as a joke or as an
experience or a happening
im grounded in the earthly world
so much so that my understanding of divinity rests in
other people
i take everything really seriously
probably too seriously
you know, everythings fucked up and crazy and
hysterical
but i dont think anythings funny
and
you know you hear those things like
“depression’s easy”
“it’s easy to feel sad”
“depressing people just think depressing thoughts”
i dont think depression is easy,
or hard really
you either are or you arent